distracted - - by you

whenever i find myself getting "involved" with you, i tend to become a person i do not like very much. i get distracted from my everyday responsibilites... i find that i put-off doing things, do not take phone calls, and just wait for you to call or text me.... (hoping you want to chill) why do i get so attatched? i hate who i become when i'm not with you. i hate who i become when you are in my life.
i constantly think about you, and not hearing from you for days is killer. why can't we just put aside all the bullshit from the people around us, and be together. at least give it a real shot before getting whipped by HER again.

this time we will not go down the same road as last time. it will be different. this time you will make me happy, and my heart will no longer hurt.
i will try my best to not react to every little thing that goes on at work. people act different at work.

just call.

oh, why must you do this to me

do you realize how badly i want to kiss you. how badly i just want to pull myself into you by grabbing onto your collar and just kissing you; hard. you have got me again. and its bad. i knew you could tell, i could read you today, your eyes said so much. they were filled with sadness...as if an apology. you know why you're apologizng. apologizing for making me feel as if im only spoken to when needed... if that's the case, i think that will hurt the most, for getting involved with her again. the one who clearly played you. the girl who got you to buy her things. the girl who went back to her exboyfriend while still dating you...... you are falling for her again. i guess she is your weakness.

and me. im upset over a boy who: barely talks to me at work anymore, spends most of his time lately with HER, and it just makes me sick. how easy it was for her to get back onto his good side.

can't you see.... you are my weakness. you know that you could get me to do just about anything for you....

i never felt as if you were using me... but now that i think of it... i think you are playing me. and maybe you just giave me puppy dog eyes and sometimes did thoughtful things... (making me a cd, calling me after the kegger, asking me to chill.....) to get something in return.
im sorry how i act at work... i do not want to act like that. its just that everyone around is telling me things, i am seeing things i dont like to see. i was so upset when i knew where you were. when you were supposed to be outside 5:15. you made the plans.. and you ditched, last minute to go with her.


i want to bring all this up to you, but there is still a huge part of me that is not willing to accept that the above information and speculations are what they are. i want that hope, just something to be happy about, to make me want to feel like getting up in the morning for. i love our hangouts... i wish there were more.
now that i think of it... i don't know if i want to kiss you. what she is to you, you are to me.

so please understand how hard this is for me......

two boys

i hate waiting for him to message me on msn... so as i wait.... i will write what i'm thinking about.

i am torn between two boys which whom i potentially have no chance with getting further involved with...

boy # 1 : him and i haven't even really met yet. we talk pretty much daily, sometimes for a few hours, we go for months talking this often. there has been, on more than one occaison, times where we did not speak at all.
but we always get back to talking, and have a good time doing so.
so lately, we are talking very very often.... and he's just the type of boy i've had a fantasy about for many years now, and he's almost real. this is the closest ive gotten to a boy with the qualities i've been looking for. his style.... he's very artsy, and is kinda chubby, someone i would love to kiss.....
i can't seem to bring myself to meet him. if he were to ever visit me at work without my knowing, i think the moment our eyes met my heart would drop into my stomach...
i have this strange feeling that the way we'll meet will be by complete fluke...probably after awhile we stopped talking. and he'll be there, and be gorgeous, and i'll be gorgeous. and our eyes will speak to eachother the things we could never bring ourselves to say.... but then his girlfriend enters in the picture.... and we keep on walking with the flow of people.

boy # 2 Jigga : Not only is he the "bad boy" I've always wanted to have a relationship with, he is the type of boy with whom you get creds for hanging out with. he is the type of guy you blaze and chill with, have chill summer nights with... there is something between us. I still think he fancys me, and I'm sure he can tell I'm still into him... but i'm not sure if we could ever "go there" again. The problem here is.... i don't think I get these "creds" for hanging out with him.... he is almost 17..... i am 21. a relationship with him, at the time being, would not be realistic. too many people would talk, and it would eventually turn us against eachother. i would hope him and i could be stronger about the way we will be looked at.... but i think that's what came between us last time. and it really fuct me up. but when i chill with him, i just want to kiss him. he is strong, and smart, he is very people smart, he is chubby, he has STYLE....

these two boys have me strung.
as i come to the conclusion, #1 just messaged me. this should be insteresting considering the text message i sent him earlier today .... (i won't go there tho..)
and Jigga... who i just came home from seeing.... he is online, but no message.