havent talked to him in a couple of days.
im doing well. for now anyway. things are always so back and forth with my feelings on this situation.
some days i just want to cry
others i just want to be over it and forget about him and move on to the next one.
the one who will be capable of giving me all the things he couldn't.
he's never going to leave her
this is for the best
.....

when will he start to miss me?
or has he forgotten about me?

time.
will.
tell.

for now, there's nothing i can do.
but miss his eyes and the way he looked at me
and our mid-day rendevous's
oh him.
took my heart and did what he pleased now he can breath easier because its over
while i gasp for air and try not to think. because when i think it's always him.

Dear Hot Topic,


So there was this guy, a real character of sorts. While vacationing in Vegas (i'm from Canada) i bought him a birthday present at the Hot Topic located in the Fashion Show Mall, more specfically a Chiodos hoodie. (because he's an emo boy and would have appreciated that sort of thing....)

Unfortunately(or maybe for the better) it turned out, he's a complete tool and no longer deserves my thoughtful gift. May i please return this hoodie and recieve a full refund? I'd very much appreciate it. I hate seeing it sitting in my room as a constant reminder of what a loser this guy turned out to be.

Thanks.
Vanessa*

i don't want to wake up tomorrow and remember what happend
he had no words
i too many.

he told me he couldnt forget.
is he faking?


im so sad.
just want to break down and cry.

why am i alone.
constantly alone.
just when iwas so close.
here we go again.


:*(

.........

debating whether or not i should see what he's up to tonight.
a hangout is overdue. but do i want one? i'm weak and will end up messaging him, only to be rejected. again.
so why bother?

seeing him will fuck me up all over again. if we don't see eachother then i have a better chance to get over this quicker.
i think.

seeing him will make me happy.
i think.

i can wait, but he won't ask.

why do i have such high expectations of the people i know?
i expect my friends to throw a birthday bash for me year after year, doesn't happen.
i've expected so much out of him, and didn't happen.
i'm still waiting for him to just show up. with flowers.

sick of waiting and want to find something new, someone else. but right now he's the only one.

i do miss him.
our conversations
sending him messages whenever i was thinking about him
spending time with him

i miss the way we were before the guilt ate through him..

things can never go back to how they once were.
so now what?

maybe its the boredom, but i miss you. i miss talking to you. i miss seeing you, hugging you, kissing you.....
i need this now, maybe more than ever. i need to see you.

ive never asked you for anything before, so please just give me this.

you know it's overdue.

"Maybe this is just a work of art.
Scripted players in a play of lust.
Hope the end is well worth waiting for
Everything you wished there'd be"


yet another series of songs that pretains to us.

and if this is the end, then no, it's not the ending i was waiting for.
a praise chorus - jew: it reminds me of you.
i guess i expected too much.

i still need to know what all this meant to you, even if it breaks my heart. maybe i'm just ignorant, but i know it meant a lot, and still does. you just try hard to ignore it.

"when the guilt sets in tell me what are we going to do" ----- fake it, ignore it, cry about it, miss it.... learn to live without it
tell me, how are you living these days?

"i still somehow hope i end up with you" really?

i'm not sure how i feel about you anymore. we have taken this charade of ours down a few notches and have unspoken boundaries to follow. i think i can get used to the fact of not having you in my life. i hope that saddens you

still scared you can't trust yourself around me? because i can't make you any promises. you're right, anything can happen.

so i wait.

not particularly for you,

but i wait.

because you never gave me the chance to give you this...

for your birthday i thought i'd write you a letter, or note or what have you. unrehearsed, and all truth; i can't promise i won't be a sap because well - that's just me.

first and foremost happy birthday. hope your day was/is good and your presents satisfying - especially mine. twenty three, twenty three years old. ain't that weird? they say older = wiser - let's hope!

friday the 13th, met in the flesh.
finally.
all that time wasted being nervous, shy and afraid to find out that none of it mattered. i can still hear your voice singing along to "This Armistice" while parked at timmys, and remember the way you blushed after i kissed your cheak when you dropped me off.

i'm trying so hard to hold back and not spill my guts for you -
thinking of the right words to say.
i love how we are so understanding with eachother, so honest. i could tell you anything and it's understood.
oh we'd make a great pair
(don't worry i already know....)
yet it still doesn't stop me from saying all these things to you.
oh, why me.
why you.
why this mess.
i love how you seem to know all my moves, because you were completely right, i did just want to hold your hand.
i love it when we're parked somewhere together; the way you look at me --
i could melt. (oh your blue eyes)
and if i don't look away i fear i may kiss you; uncontrollably, and let my hands go where they want.

thoughts of you occupy my day constantly; and listening to music is now different. i could make a list of songs that i swear were written about us. songs which i've loved all along are finally understood. understood because i can relate, we relate.

that night, while parked at the "sexwall" park, when your head was pressed up against the steering wheel and i was reclined back in the seat was the most distant we've ever been, and it showed me how much of a jerk you aren't.
(as much as you beg to differ - i know better)

....and you make me laugh, "i know you're tired because your hands are at 10&2"

you are lovely you know.
i could write about you forever

and i know i must sound like a broken record, but your lips feel so good.
especially that night.
you kissed me harder
and you know where i felt it.
oh! what i would give to feel that again
and again
and again...
and again.
i remember when i first saw you. a picture of a cute emo boy with shaggy black hair, a pale complexion and a sad face. a boy who was art and music. (and because of your status i decided to not bother)
a few days later, a message from that boy -- that cute boy with the blue eyes, who liked good music, who drew sad pictures and wrote poetry i didn't understand --
that boy who i wanted to know.
fast forward a few years, and i think we know eachother quite well. and understand eachother even better.

oh ryan, all this just to wish you a happy birthday. (a day you claim to hate but i don't buy that!)
you can be as selfish as you'd please and no one can say a thing about it -- so soak it up

23 and alive -- enjoy it.

<3 always
Vanessa*

"i finally understand why you needed that distance from me. and now i finally agree. as much as this will hurt me we need this. i know you still need space, as i from you. i dread to say this, but please don't reply, although thats the only thing i want at times like these. im sorry for making you do the things you said you'd never. and im sorry i won't back off when you're only trying to make things right. i didn't think i'd become that girl. im so sorry."

--- im sorry you felt like you were breaking my heart - - when you were only filling this huge void the entire time. and i don't think you caught on

"messages from broken bottles fall on black sandy beaches"
was his reply. lyrics from a song he tried sending the night before. i don't even understand it. am i broken? is what i said broken? meaningless to him? what does it mean?
i won't ask.
i miss him already.

i know i won't be able to hold out for more than a few days before breaking down and needing to speak to him. but i must. he is trying to become the person he was before we fell and couldn't climb out. i will only bring him back down.

-----------------------
Messages from broken bottles fall on black sandy beaches
Ink in vain across the page now run from morning dew
Hands which chance upon it lead to eyes which strain to read
Hearts that pound from love long overdue
Lips which press together, stifle rhythmic heavy breathes
Oh how she smiles from vicarious love from the one he writes about
She must have been so glad for him to throw it out
Further steps lead to yet another broken bottle
Again the words contained have bled the page
Whose tears were these which ran the ink
From who they'd pour to make this streak?
Were they his by chance from telling her or hers by chance from reading it?
they could have been collective
they could have been from someone else
why don't we see whats at the bottom?
why don't we see what comes next
oh how she cries from vicarious pain from the one he writes about
oh she must have been so sad for him to throw her out
lets just say she is better off somehow
lets just say she has never been happier than she is now
we couldn't fake it so why even try?
-----------------
i guess the thing we can't fake are all the feelings we get when we look at eachother. how i want to kiss you, how you want to kiss me. how we want to feel eachother. we cant fake these feelings we have and pretend everythings okay. we tried, and look where it got us. i just can't fake the way i feel for you, so this space is needed- you can become the person you want to be, and me.... i'll learn to live without you.

i won't be better off, i won't be happier.

im close to seeing him. its been one month. barely spoken, havent seen eachother.... and im down. i want to see him, but since its been so long, i feel it may be awkward. not sure why?

maybe because we both know we cant do anything this time. we will sit and stare, thinking of all the things we want to do, while pretending we arent.........and knowing we cant. we could, but it would only cause more problems; like never getting to see you. so i'll refrain myself from touching you, kissing those kips, beig held in those arms

not seeing you
not being with you
is my misery

im drowning
why won't you help me stay afloat.

he wants to see me, but doesn't know if he can trust himself.
trust himself when i turn to him and ask him if i can kiss him, and before he can reply, i pull him into me....
he cant trust himself when i tell him i want to kiss him...... "fuck it"

but i won;t.... at least i dont think i will. i will want to.... oh will i want to.

why cant we see eachother tonight.... i need to touch you.

but i won;t.
i promise.


give me something ryan... give me something.