debating whether or not i should see what he's up to tonight.
a hangout is overdue. but do i want one? i'm weak and will end up messaging him, only to be rejected. again.
so why bother?

seeing him will fuck me up all over again. if we don't see eachother then i have a better chance to get over this quicker.
i think.

seeing him will make me happy.
i think.

i can wait, but he won't ask.

why do i have such high expectations of the people i know?
i expect my friends to throw a birthday bash for me year after year, doesn't happen.
i've expected so much out of him, and didn't happen.
i'm still waiting for him to just show up. with flowers.

sick of waiting and want to find something new, someone else. but right now he's the only one.

i do miss him.
our conversations
sending him messages whenever i was thinking about him
spending time with him

i miss the way we were before the guilt ate through him..

things can never go back to how they once were.
so now what?