is it alright if i still call you baby?
cause baby i’ve been missing you
missing the way you held me. oh you made me feel so much in those moments.
remember the time your embrace made me swell up with tears? you felt it.
missing how your kiss made me feel.
god damn ryan
i can’t stop thinking about you.
and how we didn’t get a fair chance.
our love would have been over the hill.
it already was.... and we were only half way there.
please baby....

you are the boy who blocked his own shot.
can’t listen to that song
....especially acoustically.
why are you all these things to me?

...you can tell me how vile i already know that i am. still can’t believe you made me repeat that line to you.
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
i miss you.
i need you.

it hurts a whole lot. but is missed when its gone.
i can’t forget.
do you want me to forget?
i can’t believe these songs are about us. god, you are so beautiful.
what we had was beautiful and sad.....
i want to tell you. but i can’t.


god what is wrong with me?
listening to every song that makes me think of him
makes me cry and remember everything i need to forget.....

why is he so perfect.
why can’t i express myself right

where are you?
i need you.

you’re right. i am always sad.
just always thinking
constantly let down
hate my reflection
my face...my body
hate faking it
alone...so alone.
dependent

everyone gives up on me.
and i can tell you’re next.

im starting to give up on myself
thinking about death daily
just getting it over it

happiness surrounds me
i just can’t get there

i believe in people too much
and nobody believes in me
tried to stop caring, it’s almost immpossible

why don’t you care?

you’ll discover my blood

i just can’t anymore.
living my life is a sad pathetic one
and i don’t want to bring you down along with me.

this is for me.
not because i’m selfish
i tried, i really did
just can’t deal anymore.

so sad here.
im sorry

i can’t stop listening to everlong.
i have it on repeat
this song is gorgeous,

throwin yourself into and out of the red....

come down and waste away with me


slow how you wanted it to be.... im over my head, out of my head she sang

and i wonder, when i sing along with you, if everything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again.....

you gotta promise not to stop when i say when she sang.

oh...this song is gorgeous.

it makes me weep for you.

another song you made possible for me.

i wish we could be on repeat.
the feelings i had with you are ones i want to have for the rest of my life.
my god, the way you made me feel.

what does it mean if it feels real?


but i can’t keep holding on.
so im letting go, moving on.

what the fuck am i doing.
you’re just going to crush me again.

and i hate it when you feel that you are hurting me, because it tells me you think what we’re doing is so wrong
but were you really leading me on?
yes you were.

why can’t i grasp that?
if you really wanted to be with me, you would.
stop apologizing. it just makes me feel worse.

-------

oh how i wish he was here.
just to show off.
to see him again.
tempt him again.
but how wrong that would be.

maybe i could finally feel
-- how hard that would be.
to be tempted from him.
paralysis.

from those lips.
i want to feel.
his hands.
all over me.
kisses.

intensity rises.
as do my thoughts
that you were here.
i drip for you.
if i could only feel
oh it’s so beautiful
the thought.

just one night and i’ll forget
you
are all i want.
promises.

havent talked to him in a couple of days.
im doing well. for now anyway. things are always so back and forth with my feelings on this situation.
some days i just want to cry
others i just want to be over it and forget about him and move on to the next one.
the one who will be capable of giving me all the things he couldn't.
he's never going to leave her
this is for the best
.....

when will he start to miss me?
or has he forgotten about me?

time.
will.
tell.

for now, there's nothing i can do.
but miss his eyes and the way he looked at me
and our mid-day rendevous's
oh him.
took my heart and did what he pleased now he can breath easier because its over
while i gasp for air and try not to think. because when i think it's always him.

Dear Hot Topic,


So there was this guy, a real character of sorts. While vacationing in Vegas (i'm from Canada) i bought him a birthday present at the Hot Topic located in the Fashion Show Mall, more specfically a Chiodos hoodie. (because he's an emo boy and would have appreciated that sort of thing....)

Unfortunately(or maybe for the better) it turned out, he's a complete tool and no longer deserves my thoughtful gift. May i please return this hoodie and recieve a full refund? I'd very much appreciate it. I hate seeing it sitting in my room as a constant reminder of what a loser this guy turned out to be.

Thanks.
Vanessa*

i don't want to wake up tomorrow and remember what happend
he had no words
i too many.

he told me he couldnt forget.
is he faking?


im so sad.
just want to break down and cry.

why am i alone.
constantly alone.
just when iwas so close.
here we go again.


:*(

.........

debating whether or not i should see what he's up to tonight.
a hangout is overdue. but do i want one? i'm weak and will end up messaging him, only to be rejected. again.
so why bother?

seeing him will fuck me up all over again. if we don't see eachother then i have a better chance to get over this quicker.
i think.

seeing him will make me happy.
i think.

i can wait, but he won't ask.

why do i have such high expectations of the people i know?
i expect my friends to throw a birthday bash for me year after year, doesn't happen.
i've expected so much out of him, and didn't happen.
i'm still waiting for him to just show up. with flowers.

sick of waiting and want to find something new, someone else. but right now he's the only one.

i do miss him.
our conversations
sending him messages whenever i was thinking about him
spending time with him

i miss the way we were before the guilt ate through him..

things can never go back to how they once were.
so now what?

maybe its the boredom, but i miss you. i miss talking to you. i miss seeing you, hugging you, kissing you.....
i need this now, maybe more than ever. i need to see you.

ive never asked you for anything before, so please just give me this.

you know it's overdue.

"Maybe this is just a work of art.
Scripted players in a play of lust.
Hope the end is well worth waiting for
Everything you wished there'd be"


yet another series of songs that pretains to us.

and if this is the end, then no, it's not the ending i was waiting for.
a praise chorus - jew: it reminds me of you.
i guess i expected too much.

i still need to know what all this meant to you, even if it breaks my heart. maybe i'm just ignorant, but i know it meant a lot, and still does. you just try hard to ignore it.

"when the guilt sets in tell me what are we going to do" ----- fake it, ignore it, cry about it, miss it.... learn to live without it
tell me, how are you living these days?

"i still somehow hope i end up with you" really?

i'm not sure how i feel about you anymore. we have taken this charade of ours down a few notches and have unspoken boundaries to follow. i think i can get used to the fact of not having you in my life. i hope that saddens you

still scared you can't trust yourself around me? because i can't make you any promises. you're right, anything can happen.

so i wait.

not particularly for you,

but i wait.

because you never gave me the chance to give you this...

for your birthday i thought i'd write you a letter, or note or what have you. unrehearsed, and all truth; i can't promise i won't be a sap because well - that's just me.

first and foremost happy birthday. hope your day was/is good and your presents satisfying - especially mine. twenty three, twenty three years old. ain't that weird? they say older = wiser - let's hope!

friday the 13th, met in the flesh.
finally.
all that time wasted being nervous, shy and afraid to find out that none of it mattered. i can still hear your voice singing along to "This Armistice" while parked at timmys, and remember the way you blushed after i kissed your cheak when you dropped me off.

i'm trying so hard to hold back and not spill my guts for you -
thinking of the right words to say.
i love how we are so understanding with eachother, so honest. i could tell you anything and it's understood.
oh we'd make a great pair
(don't worry i already know....)
yet it still doesn't stop me from saying all these things to you.
oh, why me.
why you.
why this mess.
i love how you seem to know all my moves, because you were completely right, i did just want to hold your hand.
i love it when we're parked somewhere together; the way you look at me --
i could melt. (oh your blue eyes)
and if i don't look away i fear i may kiss you; uncontrollably, and let my hands go where they want.

thoughts of you occupy my day constantly; and listening to music is now different. i could make a list of songs that i swear were written about us. songs which i've loved all along are finally understood. understood because i can relate, we relate.

that night, while parked at the "sexwall" park, when your head was pressed up against the steering wheel and i was reclined back in the seat was the most distant we've ever been, and it showed me how much of a jerk you aren't.
(as much as you beg to differ - i know better)

....and you make me laugh, "i know you're tired because your hands are at 10&2"

you are lovely you know.
i could write about you forever

and i know i must sound like a broken record, but your lips feel so good.
especially that night.
you kissed me harder
and you know where i felt it.
oh! what i would give to feel that again
and again
and again...
and again.
i remember when i first saw you. a picture of a cute emo boy with shaggy black hair, a pale complexion and a sad face. a boy who was art and music. (and because of your status i decided to not bother)
a few days later, a message from that boy -- that cute boy with the blue eyes, who liked good music, who drew sad pictures and wrote poetry i didn't understand --
that boy who i wanted to know.
fast forward a few years, and i think we know eachother quite well. and understand eachother even better.

oh ryan, all this just to wish you a happy birthday. (a day you claim to hate but i don't buy that!)
you can be as selfish as you'd please and no one can say a thing about it -- so soak it up

23 and alive -- enjoy it.

<3 always
Vanessa*

"i finally understand why you needed that distance from me. and now i finally agree. as much as this will hurt me we need this. i know you still need space, as i from you. i dread to say this, but please don't reply, although thats the only thing i want at times like these. im sorry for making you do the things you said you'd never. and im sorry i won't back off when you're only trying to make things right. i didn't think i'd become that girl. im so sorry."

--- im sorry you felt like you were breaking my heart - - when you were only filling this huge void the entire time. and i don't think you caught on

"messages from broken bottles fall on black sandy beaches"
was his reply. lyrics from a song he tried sending the night before. i don't even understand it. am i broken? is what i said broken? meaningless to him? what does it mean?
i won't ask.
i miss him already.

i know i won't be able to hold out for more than a few days before breaking down and needing to speak to him. but i must. he is trying to become the person he was before we fell and couldn't climb out. i will only bring him back down.

-----------------------
Messages from broken bottles fall on black sandy beaches
Ink in vain across the page now run from morning dew
Hands which chance upon it lead to eyes which strain to read
Hearts that pound from love long overdue
Lips which press together, stifle rhythmic heavy breathes
Oh how she smiles from vicarious love from the one he writes about
She must have been so glad for him to throw it out
Further steps lead to yet another broken bottle
Again the words contained have bled the page
Whose tears were these which ran the ink
From who they'd pour to make this streak?
Were they his by chance from telling her or hers by chance from reading it?
they could have been collective
they could have been from someone else
why don't we see whats at the bottom?
why don't we see what comes next
oh how she cries from vicarious pain from the one he writes about
oh she must have been so sad for him to throw her out
lets just say she is better off somehow
lets just say she has never been happier than she is now
we couldn't fake it so why even try?
-----------------
i guess the thing we can't fake are all the feelings we get when we look at eachother. how i want to kiss you, how you want to kiss me. how we want to feel eachother. we cant fake these feelings we have and pretend everythings okay. we tried, and look where it got us. i just can't fake the way i feel for you, so this space is needed- you can become the person you want to be, and me.... i'll learn to live without you.

i won't be better off, i won't be happier.

im close to seeing him. its been one month. barely spoken, havent seen eachother.... and im down. i want to see him, but since its been so long, i feel it may be awkward. not sure why?

maybe because we both know we cant do anything this time. we will sit and stare, thinking of all the things we want to do, while pretending we arent.........and knowing we cant. we could, but it would only cause more problems; like never getting to see you. so i'll refrain myself from touching you, kissing those kips, beig held in those arms

not seeing you
not being with you
is my misery

im drowning
why won't you help me stay afloat.

he wants to see me, but doesn't know if he can trust himself.
trust himself when i turn to him and ask him if i can kiss him, and before he can reply, i pull him into me....
he cant trust himself when i tell him i want to kiss him...... "fuck it"

but i won;t.... at least i dont think i will. i will want to.... oh will i want to.

why cant we see eachother tonight.... i need to touch you.

but i won;t.
i promise.


give me something ryan... give me something.

"un momento por favour"

they say sex doesn't change you. im not sure who "they" are; however, i think it does change a person. sex lets you express yourself in a completely different way. it opens up fantasy and your sexuality. i have noticed quite a change in myself. i am much more social. i have just opened up. i'm not as afriad anymore.

distracted - - by you

whenever i find myself getting "involved" with you, i tend to become a person i do not like very much. i get distracted from my everyday responsibilites... i find that i put-off doing things, do not take phone calls, and just wait for you to call or text me.... (hoping you want to chill) why do i get so attatched? i hate who i become when i'm not with you. i hate who i become when you are in my life.
i constantly think about you, and not hearing from you for days is killer. why can't we just put aside all the bullshit from the people around us, and be together. at least give it a real shot before getting whipped by HER again.

this time we will not go down the same road as last time. it will be different. this time you will make me happy, and my heart will no longer hurt.
i will try my best to not react to every little thing that goes on at work. people act different at work.

just call.

oh, why must you do this to me

do you realize how badly i want to kiss you. how badly i just want to pull myself into you by grabbing onto your collar and just kissing you; hard. you have got me again. and its bad. i knew you could tell, i could read you today, your eyes said so much. they were filled with sadness...as if an apology. you know why you're apologizng. apologizing for making me feel as if im only spoken to when needed... if that's the case, i think that will hurt the most, for getting involved with her again. the one who clearly played you. the girl who got you to buy her things. the girl who went back to her exboyfriend while still dating you...... you are falling for her again. i guess she is your weakness.

and me. im upset over a boy who: barely talks to me at work anymore, spends most of his time lately with HER, and it just makes me sick. how easy it was for her to get back onto his good side.

can't you see.... you are my weakness. you know that you could get me to do just about anything for you....

i never felt as if you were using me... but now that i think of it... i think you are playing me. and maybe you just giave me puppy dog eyes and sometimes did thoughtful things... (making me a cd, calling me after the kegger, asking me to chill.....) to get something in return.
im sorry how i act at work... i do not want to act like that. its just that everyone around is telling me things, i am seeing things i dont like to see. i was so upset when i knew where you were. when you were supposed to be outside 5:15. you made the plans.. and you ditched, last minute to go with her.


i want to bring all this up to you, but there is still a huge part of me that is not willing to accept that the above information and speculations are what they are. i want that hope, just something to be happy about, to make me want to feel like getting up in the morning for. i love our hangouts... i wish there were more.
now that i think of it... i don't know if i want to kiss you. what she is to you, you are to me.

so please understand how hard this is for me......

two boys

i hate waiting for him to message me on msn... so as i wait.... i will write what i'm thinking about.

i am torn between two boys which whom i potentially have no chance with getting further involved with...

boy # 1 : him and i haven't even really met yet. we talk pretty much daily, sometimes for a few hours, we go for months talking this often. there has been, on more than one occaison, times where we did not speak at all.
but we always get back to talking, and have a good time doing so.
so lately, we are talking very very often.... and he's just the type of boy i've had a fantasy about for many years now, and he's almost real. this is the closest ive gotten to a boy with the qualities i've been looking for. his style.... he's very artsy, and is kinda chubby, someone i would love to kiss.....
i can't seem to bring myself to meet him. if he were to ever visit me at work without my knowing, i think the moment our eyes met my heart would drop into my stomach...
i have this strange feeling that the way we'll meet will be by complete fluke...probably after awhile we stopped talking. and he'll be there, and be gorgeous, and i'll be gorgeous. and our eyes will speak to eachother the things we could never bring ourselves to say.... but then his girlfriend enters in the picture.... and we keep on walking with the flow of people.

boy # 2 Jigga : Not only is he the "bad boy" I've always wanted to have a relationship with, he is the type of boy with whom you get creds for hanging out with. he is the type of guy you blaze and chill with, have chill summer nights with... there is something between us. I still think he fancys me, and I'm sure he can tell I'm still into him... but i'm not sure if we could ever "go there" again. The problem here is.... i don't think I get these "creds" for hanging out with him.... he is almost 17..... i am 21. a relationship with him, at the time being, would not be realistic. too many people would talk, and it would eventually turn us against eachother. i would hope him and i could be stronger about the way we will be looked at.... but i think that's what came between us last time. and it really fuct me up. but when i chill with him, i just want to kiss him. he is strong, and smart, he is very people smart, he is chubby, he has STYLE....

these two boys have me strung.
as i come to the conclusion, #1 just messaged me. this should be insteresting considering the text message i sent him earlier today .... (i won't go there tho..)
and Jigga... who i just came home from seeing.... he is online, but no message.

Disgusting

how you own the couch and the tv is your nightly company
how you engorge in chocholate and candy, all hidden cuz you wouldn't dream of sharing.
PIG is how i see you. i hope to not be like you. alone, alone and fat.

i blame you for dragging me down to your level.
when you were depressed, you used me as your company; where i learned all your dirty habits
i hate that you never encouraged me, you cried when i said i was depressed. YOU CRIED. its about how my actions make you look.
i hate being sober around you,
i hate when you talk to me
stop.

and im afraid i'm already so much like you.

the word "pal"

to:you
please do not refer to me as your pal anymore
one more time and i'm going to scream
you have made it clear that i "never had a chance"
and i do not need that constant "pal" to rub it in
from: me

my friend ilona. <3

i know it's hard to read... but i don't want to repeat the kicker of the whole shabang.

ilona is golden with her comments. if only i had that cleverness about me

I feel as though i have put myself out-there with this certain indivdual and each time my hopes come crashing down. No matter how strongly i believe that there are feelings that are mutual between us, it just doesn't happen. And for me, i have never been this certain before... how could my instincts be so wrong?

We got the closest we've ever been a few nights ago, and i thought about having a casual relationship with this indivdual i thought it was gonna be one of those things which went
withouth saying it. no such luck.

I got this poem in our whole mess tho:

3. To disappoint the hopes or expectations of;

Not too long ago, on a cold night our bodies lay warm
In the heat of the moment, my search led to you
And as minutes accumulate into hours
Passion prevails, I’m lost in fantasy tonight

I’ve had lots of practice, so I know all the right words
To embed in my responses, and intensify our dialogue
By telling you all that you’ve ever wanted to hear
I filled your heart with a heavy feeling

Oh darling, I’m the predator and you’re the prey
…you never had a chance

And you don’t have to tell me, I already know…
My sincerest of apologies are falling short
Your silence is speaking that much

Although, I wished not to shed any tears
I can tell, I’ve done something worse
Just know, you’re not a fool…
I am
------

i always make up reasons in my head to justify the actions of others. For this; he must've only did what he did because he knew it would be the only time he could get it because of the current relationship he is in. i told him that i hate how he's happy. i'm a horrible person.

Rear View Mirror

I just saw this thing on the news that said, "want to know what you're child is really doing behind the wheel of their car....we'll tell you how, tonight at 6."

Think about it!!? I'm sure you've done some things you don't want your parents to know about. I'm a pretty innocent girl, but behind the wheel of the car..... from sex to drugs.
i think both part of my secret life.

just think about it.